Simply put, I did what I needed to do in order to make my life better as well as the lives of the ones I love.
Let my be honest and completely clear; the past month I have been spiraling back into bad habits. Fear of relapse. I was afraid for myself and my own health. Sad because I dont know what I'm doing. Sad because I dont know where I'm headed. Sad because I miss home. Sad because I told my brother what I wanted to do fr a living and he discouraged me from it. Sad because no matter how hard I work and how good my grades are, i still feel like its never enough.
I also started to feel bad for Josh. His girlfriend cheating on him. Me being the other woman. It was too complicated and ... Josh is a good person.
So I did what I needed to do. I left her a letter. I said:


Of all the things I am, infinitely forgiving. Sticks and stones of words and fists, all of which can be forgiven.
Here I stand, weak and tiny, shrinking back to who I once was. Flashbacks to Thirteen, horrible memories of abuse and sex. Who I once was, who I long to become.
Words are my weapon. Words are my defense. Listen and you will understand. I am weak. I have no friends, alone, but still confident. I can be whatever I want. A friend to tell me that I am not good enough is no friend at all. I would rather die confidently alone than weak with you.

Of all the things I am, infinitely forgiving, like the tangerine sun and its undying warm citrus light. Forget the words, my weapon is my message. Pay close attention and you will understand.
I am strong and confident with endless potential, like the tangerine sun in the endless sky.
And you, a leech in a grimy pond, tearing away life, opportunity, dragging everyone around you down.

Beautiful, of all the things that I am, most admirable of all is that I am infinitely forgiving. Call me names and leave me bruises, I will always forgive you. Like erosion in the Grand Canyon, I have worn down, thin and weak. Forgiveness is a gift I can no longer give. Reckless, silly, stupid, and childish, hearts will get broken. I assure you, my heart will stay intact this time.
Words; my message is my weapon, and with them, I rid you of your power. I have, with my words, shot you. Dead.


Because I'm tired of the abuse. I'm so tired of being treated so poorly. I am an angel. I am a goddess. I am beautiful and amazing. I deserve the world and the endless sky. I'm tired of people telling my I am not good enough. All that matters is what I know. I am smart and hard working. Pretty and funny. And if I try hard enough, I will be able to accomplish anything I want.

I have a friend, he is mostly made of pain.
And he wakes up, drives to work,
and then straight back home again.
He once cut one of my nightmares out of paper.
I thought it was beautiful, I put it on a record cover.
And I tried to tell him he had a sense
of color and composition so magnificent.
And he said

"Thank you, please
but your flattery
is truly not
becoming me.
Your eyes are poor.
You're blind.
You see,
no beauty could have come from me.
I'm a waste
of breath,
of space,
of time."

Jess might like these ones... Same song. "Waste of Paint" by Bright Eyes

Will my number come up eventually?
Like Love's some kind of lottery,
where you scratch and see
what's underneath.
It's "Sorry",
just one cherry,
or "Play Again."
Get lucky.

So I've been hanging out down by the train's depot.
No, I don't ride.
I just sit and watch the people there.
And they remind me of wind up cars in motion.
The way they spin and turn and jockey for positions.
And I want to scream out that it all is nonsense.
All your life's one track,
can't they see it's pointless?
But just then, my knees
give under me.
My head feels weak
and suddenly
it's clear to see
it's not them but me,
who has lost my self-identity.
As I hide behind
these books I read,
while scribbling
my poetry,
like art could save a wretch like me,
with some ideal ideology
that no one could hope to achieve.
And I am never real;
it is just a sketch in me.
And everything I made is trite
and cheap
and a waste
of paint,
of tape,
of time.

I been talking to John again.
I had a dream about him last night.
All of the bad and all of the good, he was still my very first love. And he is a good friend. I miss him. and cant wait to see him again.

I'm writing a screenplay. The assignment was to write in a style you dont typically write in. so screenplay it is. my writing in almost always short stories that tend to be quite poetic in my word choice and flow. And they are all borderline fiction and non because it has a lot of my true life in it. All the characters and all. The only reason they are fiction is because I change minor details and try to make it sound better and more dramatic than when it actually happened.
I'm actually excited about my screenplay. I know it wont be my best writing but I think it'll be fun to work with.
Otherwise nothing really going on. I been spending more time with Jess. Shes beautiful and awesome.
Oh oh oh...
I talked to John the other night. Supposedly hes changed. Hes planing on becoming a detective. College and all. Which is fantastic. Hes living with Tyler Brown and Dan Miller. I asked. I had to know if Tyler has gotten any smarter over the years. No. Tyler is still the same moron he was when he dropped out of high school.
Well I've actually got to get going to school but I'll try to make a better post later today.
For now...
Heres some song lyrics:
Its Mermaid by Regina Spektor. A beautiful song. I like the lyrics.

I'm a mermaid
but I've sold my voice
for a couple of feet
and they always bleed
when I go walking in the road

I'm a mermaid
but I've sold my voice
for a couple of feet
and they always bleed
when I go walking in these streets

and I once saw a most beautiful man
at the local record store
he bumped into me and said,
well excuse me, young ma'am,
but haven't I seen your pretty eyes somewhere before?
I smiled but gestured at my throat
to show that I was mute
well, he quickly looked down at the floor
and shuffled in his boots
he was out of there so fast

I'm a mermaid
but I've sold my voice
for a midnight train
and a bump of cocaine
and an old photo of ballets russes

I'm a mermaid
but I have sold my voice
for a bottle of gin
cause I can't swim
and I sure don't want to float

I was so lonely walking out of that store
and back into the busy people street
when overhead I heard an argument
a woman opened up her window, threw a flower pot from it
I was startled by the crash
but went over to find a little plant
I quickly emptied out my paper coffee cup and
adopted it
transplanted it
took it home and
named it mozart

I am a mermaid
but I've sold my voice
and I got rid of my tail
at a junkyard sale
along with some favorite childhood toys

I'm a mermaid
but I have sold my voice
for a couple of feet
that tend to bleed
when I go walking in the street...

I'm a mermaid
but I have sold my voice
for a couple of feet
and they always bleed
no matter how clean...

I miss Jess. Tons.
I mean.... I cant stop thinking about her. Dan gets mad because she is all I ever talk about any more. I think I really love her. I mean...

I love her.
She makes me feel good.


I keep having these nightmares about the cruise. I dont know why. It wasnt that bad. But I dream of being left behind. I dream of getting lost into the ocean. I dream of a dirty huge boat filled with people I dont know. people that dont care about me. Lost. I guess.
Maybe its not about the cruise. Maybe its about the lonely feelings.


I feel like... I want to spend my life with Jess. I feel like... She is the most perfect thing in my life. She came along and helped me when I needed her most and... I'm not so lonely any more.
I feel bad for Dan. When I told him years ago... it was a mistake. Falling in love with me a month before I moved far away.
Theres a whole world out there. A lot to see. A lot to do. Tons of people. Different things you could never imagine. How can you ever know whats right? The truth. What is best for you or for everyone else? Am I completely hopeless?
I didnt mean to fall in love with her. In the begining I was so confused. She was so... different. A little crazy. I love hearing her voice. The way she laughs. And every time I think of her, I think of wednesday night. She was sitting in her room on the floor. I said something... I dont remember what I said but she gave me this look and did that come-here thing with her hands. It was sexy. that look. by far the sexiest look she ever made. if thats even possible. they are all amazing. and I told her how sexy she looked when she did that... so she did it again. : D

I didnt mean to fall in love with her.
I'm so afraid...
Because in the end, I can be nothing more than a best friend. She loves Josh. And mostly I'm not jealous. Thats not my style. I dont get jealous.
But... Sometimes I think she would be amazing... It would be great if she were only mine. But she has Josh. She loves him so much. And he has to know... He will some day find out something of what happened between me and Jess.
I will have caused heartbreak. Hers or his or my own.
I love her so much. When she calls because she misses me... and she just left the other day. I'm just that great. but I miss her tons too. I wish I could have gone with. I wish I could be there. And I wish I could take her to see my home town. To meet all of my awesome friends. I wish I could introduce her as my girlfriend. She could meet my awful family. My cool brother. And we could go out on real dates.
I didnt mean to fall in love....
I guess it just happened.
I guess... and even if I do get my heart broken in the end... Its a big world. There are lots of people. places. things to expirience. Second chances. and thirds and fourths. We make mistakes to grow from. And... I dont want to live a safe life. I wish Dan could be my best friend. For ever. So that I could see what else is out there. But I dont know. Sometimes I want that white picket fence. I want the kids and the family.
But sometimes I want it with Dan and sometimes I dont. I dont want to break his heart. I love him. He has been there for me through a lot. He helped me with my eating disorder. with my cutting and depression. He has helped me grown up... And Hell, he helped me learn better sexual expression.... I guess. Discovery. mmmmmhmm.

Maybe its just today. but I had a nightmare about that damn cruise again. lost and alone. I guess I was stranded... in the water. on an island. the ship was dirty. it was big and it was lonely. But Jess was there. And she gave me a hug. I want to kiss her. She was close and she was warm. she always smells so nice. And she makes me feel a little less hopeless. because my world is falling apart. in my nightmare, the world is falling apart. but then shes there. And while things crash and burn... She gives me peace. I can breathe again.
I fail. I hate life. and work sucks. and then theres Jess.
And shes so perfect that it doesnt even matter that everything else in the world sucks. It doesnt matter that there is no god and there is no heaven. No after life and nothing more than the here and now. All that matters is that she exists. And she makes me smile. And even when I'm mad, I can still love her for all she is. And when I say something stupid... I imagine the world is a movie. if only it were I could rewind and retract my stupid statement. I could make it better. only for her. yes...

Is this what love feels like? Cause I dont believe I've ever felt this good before in my life....

But, beautiful, I want you to know that even if you were to break my heart... I could still be your best friend. always and forever.

I came out to my family finally. It was weird. It made me sick. But I did it. I asked what they thought of mine and Jess's relationship. Dad said we're obviously lovers. It went from there.
I told my brother. Turns out he knew for years. Colleen told him. Go figure. I thought she might have but... Whatever.

Works been better. Lifes been a little better I guess. I see Jess every day.
I've completely fallen for her at this point.

Shes beautiful. Amazing. Her smile. Her lips. Her eyes. Her hair. She is completely beautiful. And she smells so nice. I love it when she sits in my lap. So close. And when she holds my hand.


Oooooh fuck... I just remembered I had more homework than I thought I did.
UGHHHH...

Oddly enough, I think she very well may have been one of the best things to have ever happened to me...




Who needs sleep anyways?

I think I'm, about to get fired.......

I dont know what I'm going to do.

We are just friends... or friends with benefits. I dont know... all I know is I'm getting tired of feeling this mixed up. Maybe if shes just a friend I wont feel like things are falling to pieces or whatever is going on. She is a great person. Everything I could ever want in a girlfriend or a lover... But she has a boyfriend and she doesnt like it when things are complicated... so lets uncomplicate things. She can be my friend. We can do sleep overs. We can see movies. We can hang out. And at work they will know we have broken up. they can know things are back to normal. They can let it go.

Let it go. All I know is... I'm still sad and depressed. Dan thinks if I have a girlfriend then I wont be so sad and depressed. If I  have one romantic relationship here it would make making friends easier.... lifes not easy. Things arent that simple. I dont know. All I know is I can never stop thinking she is beautiful. I cant stop staring at her. And... I dont love her. But I'd love to spend time with her. We can hang out like friends do. Talk about how work sucks. And life sucks. But not have a romantic thing.
I just wish friends came easier to me.
I wish I still spoke to Colleen every day like I used to.
I wish I still hung out with Josh. And Jennifer. And speiden. Who else was my friend? I never had as many as I thought I did.
No one ever loves me as much as I have ever loved them.
I think if my friends realized how much they meant to me... things would be different

Just got back from vacation. The cruise was long and awful to say the least. Got really badly sun burnt. Got something stuck in my foot. Was limping all week. God sick from the heat and the sun. Not to mention the family argued a lot.

But today I began my training as an office manager. I loved it. It wasnt too hard. Time went by faster. Katie is cool. I hardly have to deal with customers... so it was good.

Okay i finally found some time to try and take a pciture of my pretty blonde hair.


 

Guess who is being made into an office manager!!!

ME! Kathye talked to Katie and they decided to put me in the office. I'm excited because its a promotion and it means they think I'm good at my job and they trust me. Way cool!

I talked to some old friends last night. Got a phone call from Josh K. Hadnt heard from him since summer so it was great to catch up!

I had a great dream last night.
It was about shataja. I went over to her house because she said she didnt want to come over to mine unless I could think of something for us to do and the only thing on my mind is kissing her because she has the sexiest lips (no kidding!) So I went to her house but she had a friend over so I was stuck watching them have fun and stuff. So while there I texted shataja who was only a few feet away to tell her I was bored and going home. She was a bit upset at the idea of me going home and disapointed. she left her friend who had fallen asleep or something and fallowed me back to my house. In my bedroom I told her how I felt left out and really just wanted it to be the two of us. I was only wearing a long tee shirt that covered me down to just barely the bottom of my buss. Sitting on the edge of my bed, she put her hand on my knee saying she was sorry. She wanted alone time with me. While she says this, he hand begun to slide up my leg to my inner thigh.
Well... It ended nicely.... Except... Shataja wasnt the point of my dream. Her friend that made me jealous was Colleens new best friend. That girl that looks like me except chubbier and really stupid.
I dont know... I feel sick today and really tired. Its cold outside and I really wish I had texted Shataja last night. She said she would hang out with me but I'd have to find a way to entertain her. Like a movie or something. And all I can think of is wanting to kiss her. I want to tell her I have a crush on her but I'm afraid she wont go for it knowing I have a boyfriend even though Dans fine with it.

Dan was here. Now hes gone. I'm depressed and lonely. I miss him a ton.
Life sucks. A lot. I'm tired.

Closing tonight with Michelle. I'm excited! I even put up my hair all pretty and a little makeup. I'm infatuated.

My brothers flying in tomorrow. I have work then too. whatever.

I'm hoping my GPA goes way up with my psych and eng grades once they are posted and Jen, thanks for the comment and the awesome picture! You really made me feel better.
Much love and Hugs,
Danny

Okay.
Things have been a bit busy. Dan came to visit for Thanksgiving. I made dinner. It was nice. My parents were out of town... that was it. I brought him into work to meet my people.
Work has been... eh. I love my job and have the biggest crush on Michelle. Shes... 21 I think. Beautiful long blond hair. Gorgeous smile. Nice body. I love her butt... She wears these pants with a little spot on the left butt cheek. Thats how creepy I am.
But we share interests. Shes agnostic and said her sister cried when she told them she did not go to church and was not a good christian girl. She is liberal and smart. She goes to winthrop and works her ass off. All the other people at work are slackers except her... and of course me. Reggie says so.
I worked last night. worked only a few hours and it was nice because I was with my favorite people except michelle because she normally works durring the day. But I was with Katie who is super awesome. Shena who is fun to be around. Kenny who is cool and a bit odd along with Stephen who has been so much better since he began to date Amber. And Reggie. I talked to Reggie last night. Shena was saying how mean he is and I said he isnt mean... just misunderstood. Reggie is a sweetheart. I love him. Shena dosent. And she said Reggie dosent like her. so I was talking to Reggie and he said its true. He is mean and he dosent like her. Shes slow and lazy. He only likes me because I work hard and do stuff without even being asked to. I get the job done and am polite about it. And then thing is Reggie is openly an ass. He said he didnt like shena and that shes lazy right in front of her. If he dosent like someone he lets them know. But he lets me know he loves me. Reggie... this big black man with a potbelly and some nasty cologne. He stinks. But hes great. He play fights and jokes. And I love him.
I signed up to do the secret santa hoping I would get Michelle. Her boyfriend is sooooo ugly... I mean really. I told her in so many words that I am not straight. I didnt say I'm bi. in fact i didnt say much of anything except people have called me some nasty names like dike and I cant believe in a religion that would send me to hell. I'm sure she got the hint. I wonder if shes noticed how I stare at her candy lips and her gold silk hair. Shes so pretty.
Oh... I've decided I need to become a writer. That is the only way I can truly benefit the world. With my writing. My impossible to please English teacher has given me nothing below an 83 the entire semester. I just got a 90 on my midterm. I'm so happy! History on the other hand is nothing above a 76. I suck at history and will never get anything higher than a C. But Biology has been in the A/B range. Same with Psych. I got a 99 on the project. But whatever. There is only one and a half weeks left in the semester and then its three weeks of nothing but work and visiting Dan. YAY!
Just so you know, Jen, I will be coming home from the 29th to the 5th. Couldnt make it for christmas. Plane tickets cost too much and my boss didnt want to give me enough days off.
I cant wait for the holiday season to be over. We've been getting some different customers and I prefer my regulars.





Okay I started writing that two days ago... I'll just post it now without finnishing it otherwise it will never get posted

Work.
Life is still a bitch. I'm still depressed. In fact, its only gotten worse. I cried when the schedule for next week came out and I saw that she has me working another 30 hour week yet again... I somehow managed to get out of working tomorrow since I have too much homework and other bs to do... I'm working 5 and a half hours sunday. 4 monday night. 5 wednesday which pissed me off pretty bad because she has me working at 2... I dont get out of school till 1:45. Not enough time to even get home and change for work let alone eat lunch. What the fuck?
It only gets worse. Friday morning I'm working at 9:15. What a fucking bitch! And yet... it still only gets worse.
Keep in mind I am in no way a morning person.
Saturday... you know, the day I told her I would prefer not to work... She gave me 8.5 hours. Nine if you dont count the lunch in the middle. I have to be at work at 8 in the morning... The day Dan is flying in around midnight... The day I told her I needed...
I'm so mad... I cried. Tracee told me I needed to calm down because there was steam coming out of my ears.
Dont get me started on the shitty customers I had today... one who decided to leave all of her stuff behind because she didnt know how to pay with credit properly. I had to call over a manager to void it all off.
But hey... Dads home. Thats cool, right? maybe. Until he wakes me at 7 tomorrow morning...
Oh and Jen hates me. One of the managers. And Georgio was fired... I liked him... He stole though. So fired. And Chip quit. Too good for Food Lion I guess.
We're hiring new people soon. Thank God... Oh and Shena is on suspension for something retarded but shes only gone for three days. And I dont know what I'm going to do for christmas cause plane tickets now cost over $300. I have that much. I just dont want to spend it on that because I need a new laptop and I knew mom would pay $160 but never $300. I could get cheaper tickets if I could get my boss to give me more days off but she wont. Says its not fair to the other associates... You know whats not fair though? That I take everyones hours when they need me too. I come in on my days off to help out... But they wont even give me an extra day off to see my family.
At least on friday and saturday I'll be working with the oh so beautiful Michelle. Ooooh she makes me weak in the knees. I can be a morning person for her I guess...
I'm tired.

This is life.


I'm so.... down.


Thats all really. I'm just down down down. I have so much work to do that I'm killing myself to get it done. My computers fucked beyond repair. I'm surrently using Meghans computer. and making only 6.75 an hour is not cutting it. I need to buy a new laptop but only $300 every other week just wont do.
Not to mention I'm killing myself with work work work. I need to stop taking other peoples hours. I just cant say no. no no no no I can not do it!
I need to see my advisor next week to scheduel next semesters classes blah blah blah! Fuck.

So this is life. Killing myself working. On school. At work. On homework!
I have a heavy head that can not lift all of this. BS.
Work work work.
Where is colleen? How about my brother? How about dad? How long has dad been gone? a month. too long. I'm too busy and I've sold my soul to a food lion. my soul. Sold to a cart shaped like a lion. Our logo. And stupid people saying "buggy" and stupid people calling me ma'am. And stupid people beating their children in the checkout line. Stupid people paying with checks. I love my job but I hate checks. they annoy me.
this is life.

a heavy head.
And I get to see Dan in 10 days. question is christmas?
Sleeping pills just make life worse. But so does no sleep.
So do bad teachers.
so does work.
I'm working my ass off for minimum wage. I'm working my ass off for pennies and nickles. I'm working my ass off to become a teacher. Low. Cheap. Pointless. That is what I am.
Except to Dan.
Thats life.

Okay so school is boring but Kenny is awesome. Ran into me outside of my history class. Was talking to me. Way cool. He could be my closest SC friend. He had a huge cut on his face. Said a lady hit him with a cell phone at Scarowinds (the amusement part. Carowinds changes its name to Scarowinds for halloween) Apparently he jumps out and scares people. Sounds fun I guess.
but school was boring today. My Algebra class was canceled. Bio is interesting now that we're getting into the origin of species. I loooove that! Yay for having an anti religion teacher who gets a kick out of pissing off religious nuts! History was boring and I got a mid C on my test. I hate that but as I thought, I totally kicked the essay questions ass! Only lost two points! Still ended up with a 75. Theres no pleasing that woman. UGH


I got the urge today to work at not being bisexual. I'm begining to hate it. I dont want to love Colleen any more and I want to completely rid my life of her. But I cant do it. I cant stop loving her but maybe if I stoped loving women in general then I'd be able to let her go... I know I know... not likely but its worth a try. It would piss Dan off though because he loves that I'm bi... And I think I lean too close to lesbian to just lose that part of my personality. Still... I dont want to love colleen any more because she keeps breaking my heart and I've had enough of it.


My brother called in the middle of history class. I forgot to put my phone on silent because every time I do, I forget to turn the sound back on so I never hear when dan calls and he gets mad. Luckily my phone isnt that loud. Tried to call mike back after class but no answer. since when was life one big letdown?
Like why did I call Colleen the other night? Because I wanted to tell her I loved her and that she is beautiful. The response I expected was for her to come running into my arms saying my existance alone made her life perfect.
She didnt do that. Instead she got mad at me and left me hurt. Like a wounded little puppy, I was. UGHHHHHHHHH.
since when was life just another big letdown? Nothing is ever good enough and forever is not long enough. I want to see Dan but I know only 9 days will not be long enough. I'll be working all week and sad sad sad. And Life sucks ass sometimes. Because I get lonely and tired. And I love my job and the people I meet but... I dont know.
I had some lady flip out at me the other day saying I was rude. And... what? Me? I'm the most polite person ever. Seriously anyone who knows me would agree. But I said I was sorry even though I did nothing wrong.
Okay okay... Let me start from the begining.

Lady comes through my line. I've seen her and her family before. Three generations of ugliness. UGH! The mother goes through first. We have a rule where we have to ask the customer if they want to donate a dollar to the childrens miracle network or else if we fail to ask they get a free soda (I fucking hate this rule because the money to pay for the free sodas are coming directly out of the donated money so if we forget to ask, the childrens miracle network loses donated money. Guilt all around). So I ask the mother. She says no. While I was dealing with the mother I hear the grandmother scolding the daughter who is around Meghans age because she took some tictacs and shoved them in her purse. She was fucking stealing! Grandmother tells the daughter she needs to pay for them. So I deal with the daughter next. The one who, you know, attempted to shop lift. She was old enough to understand what happens when you shop lift but whatever. I smile. Ring her up. It was a little under a dollar. She pays in quarters. Gives me the money. I'm about to hand her the receipt when she says "Um you forgot to ask me if I wanted to donate"
I said "You havent even left the line yet. I can still ask you. Did you want to donate?"
"No..."
"Okay then"
"But you still didnt ask me. I get a free soda now" She whined.
I said "No, I did just ask you. I just didnt ask right away."
Just then the mother butted in. She didnt even pay attention to any of what was going on so she just started screaming about how rude I am and shes going to tell me manager because she never heard me ask her daughter if she wanted to donate. I said I just asked. The lady didnt give a shit and continued to flip out. The grandmother then yelled at the mother to shut up and stop being mean. I then appologized to the lady and said she can speak to someone at the service desk if she would like to but I'm very sorry that she though I was being rude and I never intended on coming across in the way that I did. The mother continued to freak out and the grandmother continued to tell the mother to just accept my appology so they can leave. I rang up the grandmother.
Bagged her stuff. Tears in my eyes because I felt so... insulted and put down. She continued to insist that I get fried. then the women left.
And all I'm thinking is the little girl tried to shop lift and then tried to get a free soda out of it. The assistant manager on duty (the oh so beautiful Michelle) said that they have a problem with that lady every time she comes in so it has nothing to do with me. And the lady next in my line said "Your cashier did nothing wrong. She was very polite and even apologized when she didnt need to"
Michelle then gave me permission to beat up any customer that I feel deserves it. She didnt mean ot of course... but it was cute coming from the girl I have the biggest crush on.


Well... as tired as I am... work just called and asked me to come in immediatly because someone couldnt make it and we only have one cashier open right now. I was supposed to have another hour and a half till work but whatever. I'm addicted to my job, I think so.

I want to be a writer.
I want to write about my self realization. A story about how I came to understand who I am. Bisexual. A five on the Kinsey scale. Polyamorous. Unhappy because Colleen broke my heart last night.
She did. She did. She told me I watched her get raped. A lie. Why does she think that? in her eyes, I have failed her.
I will do nothing but love her but she will never love me back.
I'm sad today.
I got no sleep last night and truly cried for the first time since I left Illinois this summer.