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29 July 2012 @ 12:22 am
That its not just that people think, comprehend, and understand differently, but that our brains are simply hard wired differently.
And in understanding that, just as the understanding that comes with seeing a real disability; that we are disabled by our own minds. And even more so, that others are disabled by their minds.
I came to understand this three years ago. It was before I met Chrys though through being with him and understanding the fundamental difference between me and him... and me and everyone else. And you and everyone else.
That this true. Think about the last fight you had... Or disagreement with someone else. Had you waited just ten more mins to let things sink in, would the result have been differently? And once you start to think in this way, you start to realize the difference between "Its not me, its you," and "Its me, not you."
How our emotions betray us. How we feel entitled to others, their reactions, emotions, and interests in our own life.
Yes, life isnt fair. We wont always get what we need from the people we love.
I think, constantly of forgiveness. I think of the loss I made three years ago. The decision I made and who was wrong and who was right. We could talk about blaming the victim, and my case may be open and shut, but I still always feel there was something I could have done to save this. And then I think, I could never forgive someone for forcing me to make that decision. That I always feel no matter what I do, I will always be wrong. And this is my whole life. And I can not forgive him. And I will continue feeling this hate and pain and I will have no shame for keeping it close to my heart as something to fuel me. I will embrace my darkness... Because he will never be sorry. Why should I?

And with all this I came to understand that every single person thinks, understands, comprehends, and is truly hard wired differently. That love is different to everyone and even if you dont feel it, its still there. That being alone is never really alone. That stability is something that can never ever come from the real world, it is something entirely internal.

That nothing matters before or after this. All that matters is this. Understanding is one of the greatest things we can value in life.
21 January 2012 @ 02:40 am
I love those seconds I feel I dont exist.
Those moments feel like utter bliss.

16 February 2011 @ 12:01 pm
I have been thinking a lot lately with my birthday and me being sick for the past six months. Its some of the things people have been telling me. Trying to define me. The funny thing I keep replaying in my head is my core values. I value my family, my job, and the relationships I hold in my life. And I think its strange, my values have always stayed the same, but for some reason, I seem to have changed. And its not my core values, its how I practice them.
I know many of my newer friends did not have the pleasure of knowing me through the roughest part of my life which began four years ago when we first moved to south Carolina so it seems to me, none of the people I truly love really knows who I am, who I was, or even what I stand for. Aside from being a feminist, a strong woman, and the daughter of two very powerful people (and I do truly believe my parents are powerful given what they endured and fought for to give me and my siblings).
So here I am.
Not the same girl I was two years ago, not the same girl I was a month ago. And I know living with Chrys has helped me define myself and it has helped me grow in a different way.
Four months ago, when we first came here, I was excited for change and new experiences. Shortly after living here, I really started to hate it. I was harassed and mistreated my entire senior year at Rock Hill High, threatened several times even. But none of that matters any more.
I got a job which we all know I take great pride in I love. I have never found more joy in something in my entire life but I love being surrounded by people that are as lost as I often find myself, and that’s exactly what my customers are; lost people, looking for something new and different.
I remember the day I met Miss Kathy. The day I met Jessica, Liam, and Tyler, so vividly. I form strong, close relationships with people very quickly and I am not easy to let go of that.
I could talk about the abuse I endured at the hands of every one of them in detail, but that would take all day, night and week. More so, I’d rather talk about the abuse I endured at the hands of the one person I did think I loved and I did see a long future with. I loved Dan, but honestly, I don’t think I really did. I think I was stuck in the comfort of something so close. I am an addict. To control, relationships, and intense connections to certain things.
My parents say I have broken wing syndrome. That I have a strong desire to fix people, but that’s not the case. I bought into it for a long time thinking I needed to work on my strength and independence but I think Liam and the deciding point. Because I never wanted to fix him, I just wanted to submerge myself in his lengthy stories about the afterlife, which I have never believed in, and beauty in the earth that we live on. Even more so, with Dan, I never wanted him to change or be fixed, really, I just wanted to feel I had a control over the direction of my life. And Tyler… I don’t want to talk about yet.
I know it seems I wanted to fix Jessica. But I never really did. She caused me so much pain, but all I really wanted was to have a positive female relationship in my life. And I fell in love with her because of her story telling. With her, and Liam both, life felt like a Shakespeare love story. Fast paced, and very dramatic, I was always the leading lady, pined over and loved with intense desire and passion. My own story telling trapping just about everyone I have become close to. Passion, love, desire, all words that evoke such strong emotion, I use them very well.
Still, broken wing syndrome, a big way to say the victim. Don’t get me wrong, I love being able to tell my dramatic stories about how I was abused, victimized, and mistreated, however, I have never once been a victim. Not when I was thirteen, seeing my best friend get raped by someone we babysat for, not three years ago when Jessica called me every nasty name in the book to bring me to her level, and certainly not a year and a half ago when I stood next to Liam in his kitchen arguing over my rights as a woman and a human being.
I have never been stronger than that day. And I know its an arguable act, but it is what it is and everything truly is subjective. As I see it, I am no victim, because everything he did, I reacted to with strength and power and even though he took something important from me, I took something even more important from him, and that is his strength as a man.
My tattoo, I wear over my hip, I know everyone has heard the story. It is a celtic trinity knot which stands for many things. To me, it is the mother, maiden, and crone. And fertility, over the one thing that makes me stronger than any man, my ability to bring life into the world, his ability to force life into this world, and more so, my ability to take that all away with a single, painful move. A constant reminder that I am strong, and I am weak both at the same time.
My past, circling my present, and deciding on my future. What Chrys means to me, he is without a job, without really anything to offer me but himself, the only thing I truly want in this life. Not needing to be in control any more. Letting life just happen, and hoping for the best for myself. He is my one big selfish act, and in that he is the best decision I have made yet, because I am not healthy, I am not rich, but I am being taken care of for once, and I can very firmly say that I am in the best place I have ever been.
The only constant in life is change. As I see it, I was letting change happen before. Watching the destruction that it brought into my life, but now, change isn’t just happening, I’m pushing change where I want it to go.
Its funny, people keep asking me what I’m doing at Winthrop University. Its like, you come out of college a complete person and unless you go, you can never fully understand life, but that is nowhere near true. Dan was sixth in his class, all A’s in college. He is nowhere near a complete person, in fact, he will probably never be as successful as I am and that’s all because I know who I am, and he doesn’t.
My boss, Cindy asked me the other night. We were closing together, the store completely empty but the two of us at 11. And she asked me how school was going, and I just cried. And that was all I did. I have never hated something as adamantly as I hate Winthrop University. The campus is beautiful, I have wonderful opportunities to meet new people and experience things I know Chrys may never get the joy to even know about. But I can feel it in my bones, something that evokes such strong feelings of hate, pain, and anger. Doing something I hate, knowing I have no choice.
I never knew psychology was such a terrible place to be. I never knew teachers could be so misguided. I never knew I could be as unhappy as I was reading the e-mails my Woman’s Studies teacher sent me the other day. At this point, my classes are ending up to spread out. I don’t know when I’m going to graduate, but I really wish it could be today so I could be done with this place and all the unhappiness it has brought me. I have never felt so mistreated, segregated, and oppressed due to my silent nature. When a teacher will grade you based on how many days you attended and how much you speak up in their class…. I find it odd that a psychology professor would judge someone so harshly on something that it impossible to fairly grade. Something so biased, so misguided, and so wrong. Because I remember, high school, middle school, and elementary school, grades were the top priority. But here, they want you to throw yourself all in to be judged. Body, soul, and mind. I have the skills to be amazing, and I am intelligent, so why does anything else matter? Even York Tech wasn’t this bad. But I truly believe that Winthrop is a terrible college and I would have been better off going to NIU or USC. Anywhere but here.

My point, I am very aware that I am not the little girl I was a while ago. But you cant say that the change is bad, or that I’m not me, because my core values have stayed the same. The only difference is how I practice them. I am a lot less silent. A lot stronger. And I would defend myself to the death. Someone once called me a martyr back in rock hill high for an argument I started between many of my class mates. And at the time, I didn’t know what that meant. But now that I do, I don’t understand why it is a bad thing to be so passionate about the world we live in, the lives that we lead, and the people that we love, that I would die for the things that mean the most to me. Even more so, that is a concept most religious people could understand, in fact, anyone in love, anyone with children, or anyone that has been oppressed and abused, and that’s just about everyone on our little planet.

And yes, I know Chrys doesn’t have much to offer and I deserve an amazing future. So how about looking at the little facts I present you with. I’m no longer taking antidepressants. I have not had a panic attach in months. He is the only person I have remained completely faithful to, and despite his situation, he is one of the few people I have ever felt treat me like an equal. He does not hit me or call me names. He does not leave me to do all the work. He comes with me when I need him. He is here. And that is why I moved in with him in the first place. He has brought me a sense of stability and control, enough to help me let go of the control I needed before, and enough to make me a complete and happy person, able to take care of myself, and to say no when I need to.
22 July 2010 @ 01:59 am
14 February 2010 @ 01:30 pm
I keep thinking about valentines day last year. I had two. A jess and a Dan.
Last night Courtney and I closed together at work. Then we went to Chili's at 11 and at midnight we went to the Hideaway (gay bar!) We stayed to watch the drag show. It was such amazing fun! Chrys and I were arguing and I had two panic attacks yesterday.I got upset and I walked out of the bar. I was walking out into the busy street in the cold with no jacket and Courtney kept trying to pull me back but I wouldnt come back. I was so low... but then she talked me down. And she held my hand. We danced to the bad bad music.
Chrys and I worked it out. Courtney and I are just friends. But I still have these two amazing valentines. A Chrys and a Courtney.

Okay so...
Chrys and I met in middle school. The begining of 8th grade. Colleen introduced us. Chrys and his Mohawk and trench coat. I never understood him. He asked out Colleen but she told him no no no no no. So then he asked me out and I thought it was only so he could get closer to Colleen and I didnt see the harm in saying yes. So I did. We dated on and off for a year. The final tally was maybe thirteen times. My friends didnt like him because he was so rough looking. But I remember when I got off the bus early in the morning he walked over to me, he had been waiting. And he held out his hand, a single red rose. And he said, he picked it himself and took off all the thorns, just for me. He hugged me and spun me in the air.
I remember asking him... He said he only asked out Colleen because he was too afraid to ask me and thought if Colleen would talk to him, he could get her to put in a good word with me. I was so sweet, small, soft. Intimidating.
Our first kiss was in the haunted house at the mall, he pulled me back from Colleen and Patrick and he kissed me. He said I was the first. We went to the movies a lot. We played at Munhall. He carved our initials in the park bench. He wrote my name on him pants. It was just too much too soon though.
My friends didnt like him... I always felt like I was being judged and looked down on for being with someone so completely different than me. So I broke up with him, and he begged me to give him another chance, and I did. Thirteen times until the end of the school year.
I remember the graduation Dance. I talked to Jason Berenson (dont know if anyone remembers him, but I do!!!) Jason said that Chrys was telling people I was all sorts of bad names. It broke my heart. I realized my indecisive nature caused Chrys a lot of pain and I felt bad... I asked him to the graduation dance and he said yes, I was soooooo excited! But when we went, it was too late. He was seeing... I dont remember her name. One of the emo druggie girls. I spent the night crying and hanging out with Don. Yeah... Don.
Chrys's number changed so I couldnt call him and I never really saw him after that... Once at the mall... and sometimes in High school. He hung out with some of the same people as I did. I saw him at lunch just about every day but we didnt talk. I dated... John. Don. Speiden. Frank. Dan. Justin was somewhere in the middle. I remember hearing that Chrys was in the hospital at some point... And then I remember not seeing him again. We moved away... And he was just gone but I always thought about him in that way that I had always wanted to say sorry for the way things ended...
Nowadays everyone is on facebook or myspace. I was looking for old friends. Patrick, Chrys, Colleen. (Yeah, I do miss Patrick). I still thought Chrys was dead... last I heard he was homeless... But I found him on mysace and I sent him a message. We talked back and forward for a little while and finally, he just called me. It was two in the morning and he had just gotten back from a bar where he was drinking with some friends... We talked for a while and I told him all I ever wanted to say was sorry. He said that Jason spread those rumors back in the day because he always had a crush on me (too bad he never said anything because I always thought Jason was way cute!)
I went to see him on thanksgiving, 2009. I remember he looked just the same, only bigger... We had so much fun, playing video games and talking. And he begged me for a month to date him... It was really hard for me to say yes because of all that happened this past year with Jess, Dan, Tyler, and Liam. But I decided to take a leap of faith and give him a chance. Its been four months now... I went to see him over new years and we had fun watching movies and going out for Coffee at midnight.
He'll be here to visit me in March...
I love him because... He brings me back to earth. Especially lately, I've developed a panic disorder. or generalized anxiety disorder. When I panic, he may not actually talk me down, but afterward, he makes me realize how silly the anxiety was in the first place. He has his moments... but for the most part, hes really good to me. He says, you know, its okay if we argue. The most important thing is that we work through it. Hes getting me to let go easier, be more patient and understanding.
Mostly, at the end of the day, I know there is no way to tell what the future may hold. This past year has been enough to make me realize that no matter how much control you try to have over your life, some things just can not be controlled. If things will or will not work with Chrys, I cant tell. but I guess thats the beauty in life. Blindly moving forward, hoping for the best.
11 February 2010 @ 12:58 am
I had a dream that I as lost in the fog, in the trees and I wandered alone. The crunch of the leaves, I wandered alone. I dont know how I got there. I just closed my eyes, tight, and there I was, alone in the trees. I was alone. It was bleak and gray. I squeezed my eyes tight shut and I opened them again and again, waiting and hoping for more.
But all that there was, forest, thick as the fog covering the trees. I almost couldnt see my feet. Bare feet. Hard rocks and broken twigs. Crunching leaves. I just walked forward, I didnt look back. And when I thought, I thought of you. I was so alone, in the bleak gray fog covering the trees. But I thought of your smile. I thought of your lips and your beautiful taste. I closed my eyes and I thought of you. I thought of the warm way that you hugged me. But mostly, I closed my eyes shut tight. I opened them and I looked ahead. I couldnt see too far in the fog, but I walked anyways, not knowing.
But not knowing, it didnt matter. I walked. I couldnt see the color of the trees. It was just bleak gray. But knowing didnt matter. I closed my eyes, and I opened them and I thought of you. I thought of your hand in mine. I closed my eyes and I thought of the setting sun, the night time. I thought of you taking my hand. My guiding light.
And I had this dream that I was alone, in the trees and I didnt know where I was, or even how I got there. But when I thought of you and I couldnt see all of the color through the fog in the trees, I thought, how lovely, this place. This life, this world. I thought, how wonderful, the good, the bad. How magnificent that I can be here. and I thought of you. I was alone in the trees and the fog that covered even me. I thought, how lovely. I wanted nothing more than to show you.
And when I woke up, you werent there. But I thought of you. And I thought, is this love? I can only imagine... Thats exactly what this is.
Current Mood: lovedloved
02 February 2010 @ 11:04 am
I woke up one day. every day before, a blur. But this one morning, my eyes opened and I felt skin and blood and my heart beating softly in my chest. I woke up to the sun shining and the wind blowing. And I woke up, this morning no longer in pain.
There was this dark day. And a day turned to week. A week was a month. And it spanned a whole year. Every day was black as the days before. And I grew dizzy of the loudness of the dark. A constant contradiction of itself. I searched for light in all of the dizzy darkness, optimistic for what could come. Still, I grew tired of searching for light, and I embraced all I could know. All I saw. I embraced the heaviness of the dark and I let it crush me and make me weak.
It was long. A long year. I met monsters by mane names, genders, religions, ideals. Mostly, they were just monsters, small and big. And I wasnt afraid of them. Because I met them with the same darkness as they met me.
It started with a little girl. And she was sweet and lonely, wandering around her own bleak world, searching to fill some void within herself. And she preyed on me, and I let her. She let me kiss her, only some days. I wanted to love her, to see that light shine through her. Some days, I thought I had seen a light. Mostly, it just proved to be synthetic. It was just an image she created and it fell on me just as heavy as the darkness of my days. She consumed all of me and I let her. Because I wanted to love her. I let her.
But days faded into weeks and months and soon, I grew tired and weak from her weight and realized there was no light within her, she was nothing more than a monster, like me, wandering through the darkness that had become my world. I let her fade away quietly.
My soul. My whole heart, it stopped beating for more than a moment. I could have been dead. No blood ran through me. And I was cold. I was cold. I didnt search. He found me. And he stood above me, dark hair and kind eyes. And he touched me like an electric shock. I felt my heart jolt awake. My whole world, bight sunlight. We made love. But love was a lie. Love was a lie and kind eyes turned cold gray. He wasnt himself any more. Not fully. He was weaker than I was. I watched him crumble and fall. Not even hands and knees to support him.
I told the truth. Love was a lie. And I told only the truth. Every day could not be his sunlight. I was not whole. And neither was he. I woke up one day, and he was gone. It was black. And his sunlight. It was as synthetic as the little girl's. He took part of me with him. He took my optimism. He took my dreams. And all I had left were nightmares in the dark. Weeks and months. I didnt look for sunlight anymore.
I found a king, in the dark. He didnt hid behind a mask. He was a monster. But a king, none the less. A king of his own world. Big as can be. He had no light, and he didnt pretend to. I didnt pretend to love. And all we did was take from one another. I made myself as weak as him. I didnt pretend, I just took. There was lightning. Strong, powerful, lightning. He had created, in our likeness, for his kingdom. It was lightning, just like us, destructive. But we were weak, not powerful. He envied the power of the lightning and he began to pretend. He wanted to be something we could not. And he held me like a candle in the dark. Wanting to use me to find the sun. But we had no sun. I was a monster. And I made sure of that.
There would be no sun.
We had no son.
No prince. No heir. No, there would be no sun. He claimed it was love, but I knew better. It had been a year, and I knew better. Love was not. I didnt believe. And he proved to be as evil as I had been. And tore down his castle. He destroyed all that was around us. Leaving me in my own emptiness.
I just gave up hope. There was nothing more. The darkness left me weak. Tired. It was too heavy. My heart stopped beating. My blood didnt flow. The darkness grew silent. And I stood still.
I stood still. I closed my eyes. And I slept.
But one morning I woke up. Every day before, a blur. My eyes opened, and I felt warm skin, blood and bones. My heart was beating softly in my chest. Sun came in and I reached across the bed. He gave me a soft kiss. One day I stopped looking. I had just given up. But then he found me, weak. He had been weak himself. And he told me he wanted to be better, no monster, he wanted to be a man and me to be his woman. Off the ground, he pulled me up with all his strength. And I rested against his beating chest.
He was my guiding light, bringing me out of the darkness. This is how I know love. He woke me up, that morning and at first, I didnt see sunlight. I saw clouds and rain. But he stood by my side and he didnt tell stories. He said it would be hard. He said it takes time. He said, be patient. He held my hand while we waited out the storm.
And when the clouds ran away, he got down on one knee. And he said, hold my hand forever, my love, you'll never have to worry again. Kind blue eyes, meeting my soft brown. I felt him touch me, and I knew, yes was the only answer.

I'm going to go back through and edit. I felt the need to write this now... because of my recent relapse into my eating disorder. Chrys has helped me find strength were before, I had none. I know its never that simple... every day is a battle.... But I think this shows how it feels. Addiction and recovery. Every day is different. Some days I smile. Others... I dont even exist. Admitting that I'm weak... that he is too... I remember Tyler making it feel like every day was a fight to prove myself worthy. "I'm lucky to have you." Today I think... "I'm happy to have you." No luck, not "worthy" or proof of love. Just happy. Happy we have eachother. Its not, "You're not good enough for me" or "I'm not good enough for you" its... I love you. I love you. I love you. Its a good feeling. Equality. Dan made me feel too stupid and needy. Jess made me feel like I didnt give enough. Chrys makes me stand on my own when necessary and holds my hand when I really need it. We argue sometimes... but we never really argue. We're both pretty hard headed... but we're learning how to handle each other. Its a good thing.
There were many many dark days, and I know there will be more ahead. I know that the darkness ahead will never be as long as the ones behind me. I will not let it become a whole year like last.
I'm going to be okay.
Current Mood: accomplishedaccomplished
28 December 2009 @ 11:15 am
When Jess refused to leave me alone, I told her to stop coming into my store. She was leaving stuff in my mail box late at night. A book of love stories I gave her as a gift. She left an old love letter I wrote her. She left a movie I let her borrow. And she wouldnt stop. She kept trying to hurt me.
So I got fed up. I took six months of her abuse. And It took a lot to tell her bye. And so I wrote her a new story.

I hate the bed we made love on. And I hate the smell of your cloths. I hate the feel of your skin. I hate the curve of your tummy. I hate the sound of your voice when you use that childish tone.
But I love your helplessness.
I love trying to save you.
And I love the way you hurt me. I love the bruises on my skin, reminding me of how you love me. I love my submissive nature and I love the way you pull back, playing hard to get; teasing me.
But mostly, I hate who you make me; silly and childish. That’s not me. I’m stronger than that.
And I would light the bed on fire; burn the sheets to rid myself of you if I could. The darkness of this room, moonlight pouring in, we would sleep half the day away. And I would want you close, but you would hate me and you would love me.
And I was never right but you encouraged me with love letters tucked away in the till. And I would look at you and turn red, wanting to kiss you, but you wouldn’t let me.
And now, the bruises have healed. And all I want is to burn the sheets. I don’t remember how you smell. And the thought of you winking at me, kissing me, makes me sick.
And you are no Hero. You’ve caused more pain than you know.
And in those six months that we were lovers, I got to know myself in ways I had never known before… And I hated myself.
And for that, I hate you.

I went to her work. I waited in line. And she said "Can I help you ma'am?" Devious look in her eyes. I told her to leave me alone! She said she didnt know what I was talking about... I showed her the book of love stories and asked her to explain how I got that then. And she told me not to make a scene at her work. So I told her to just leave me alone and tossed the book in the trash on my way out.

I hadnt heard from her or her family in a long time... But not too long ago, I heard she was getting married to her boyfriend, Josh. The one she cheated on with me. And they did. Her myspace is full of wedding pictures. A few weeks ago her mother came into my work and said she was sorry. That she had no idea what had happened... yeah, sure.
And thats the end.
02 May 2009 @ 12:36 am
Simply put, I did what I needed to do in order to make my life better as well as the lives of the ones I love.
Let my be honest and completely clear; the past month I have been spiraling back into bad habits. Fear of relapse. I was afraid for myself and my own health. Sad because I dont know what I'm doing. Sad because I dont know where I'm headed. Sad because I miss home. Sad because I told my brother what I wanted to do fr a living and he discouraged me from it. Sad because no matter how hard I work and how good my grades are, i still feel like its never enough.
I also started to feel bad for Josh. His girlfriend cheating on him. Me being the other woman. It was too complicated and ... Josh is a good person.
So I did what I needed to do. I left her a letter. I said:

Of all the things I am, infinitely forgiving. Sticks and stones of words and fists, all of which can be forgiven.
Here I stand, weak and tiny, shrinking back to who I once was. Flashbacks to Thirteen, horrible memories of abuse and sex. Who I once was, who I long to become.
Words are my weapon. Words are my defense. Listen and you will understand. I am weak. I have no friends, alone, but still confident. I can be whatever I want. A friend to tell me that I am not good enough is no friend at all. I would rather die confidently alone than weak with you.

Of all the things I am, infinitely forgiving, like the tangerine sun and its undying warm citrus light. Forget the words, my weapon is my message. Pay close attention and you will understand.
I am strong and confident with endless potential, like the tangerine sun in the endless sky.
And you, a leech in a grimy pond, tearing away life, opportunity, dragging everyone around you down.

Beautiful, of all the things that I am, most admirable of all is that I am infinitely forgiving. Call me names and leave me bruises, I will always forgive you. Like erosion in the Grand Canyon, I have worn down, thin and weak. Forgiveness is a gift I can no longer give. Reckless, silly, stupid, and childish, hearts will get broken. I assure you, my heart will stay intact this time.
Words; my message is my weapon, and with them, I rid you of your power. I have, with my words, shot you. Dead.

Because I'm tired of the abuse. I'm so tired of being treated so poorly. I am an angel. I am a goddess. I am beautiful and amazing. I deserve the world and the endless sky. I'm tired of people telling my I am not good enough. All that matters is what I know. I am smart and hard working. Pretty and funny. And if I try hard enough, I will be able to accomplish anything I want.
Current Mood: accomplishedaccomplished
01 March 2009 @ 01:05 pm
I have a friend, he is mostly made of pain.
And he wakes up, drives to work,
and then straight back home again.
He once cut one of my nightmares out of paper.
I thought it was beautiful, I put it on a record cover.
And I tried to tell him he had a sense
of color and composition so magnificent.
And he said

"Thank you, please
but your flattery
is truly not
becoming me.
Your eyes are poor.
You're blind.
You see,
no beauty could have come from me.
I'm a waste
of breath,
of space,
of time."